THE RANT ROSTER

We have been described in many ways. A motley crew. A disturbed group of individuals. A Most Wanted list of moaning, whinging little fuckers that live only to call you vicious names. Or, 'that bunch of cunts'. Me? I call them my family...

Name
Kevin Sanders
Age
22
Occupation
General scumbag student, and miserable whinging bastard.

Nothing pisses me off more than Ainsley Harriot. People that say, ‘oh, I listen to anything,‘ but if you go any further than Britney Spears and some shitty R’n’B, they are completely clueless. People who claim they can speak Elvish, like it’s a fucking language. People that say, ‘that’s funny’, instead of FUCKING LAUGHING… oh, just don’t get me started. I’m sure I’ll eventually cover it all.

The most vile, despicable, and downright fecking hilarious thing I have EVER done is... Well. I once stole my Nanna’s wheelchair. And when she suggested that I should give it back, I in turn suggested that she should CHASE me and get it back herself. That was pretty bad.

Person I would most willingly peel the skin from and plunge into a vat of salt: Another long list I couldn’t cover in one hit, including Russell Brand (pretentious mouthy cocksucker), Ainsley Harriot. Trinny & Suzanna (two women, giving fashion advice, looking like an explosion in a charity shop. FUCK them), the cast of Sex and The City or anything even remotely similar to it, 50 Cent (useless corporate shill, if he says the word ‘club’ in a song one more time, I am going to hunt him down WITH a fucking club and beat his ass till his brain leaks out of his goddamn ears) and Raymond. I don’t love Raymond. Raymond is a cunt.

I started this website because I am sick of people who ask, ‘are you okay?’. It is not my fault that I have a face like a basset hound. And why the fuck are you asking anyway? Are you going to cheer me up with a lively jig? What are you going to say if I say, ‘No, actually. I think that I may have killed a hooker last night.’ Stop trying to soothe your own precious little karmic scale, you fucking sycophant. So from here on, I’ll just direct them to this website. Job’s a good’un.

Name:- Joe ‘The Fuhrer’ Merrick

Age:- 21. 38 in Yeti years.

Occupation:- Yeti

Nothing pisses me off more than:- The absolute wanton abuse of the word ‘Random’. If you, in your INFINITE myspace-influenced wisdom can get your head around this, once you declare yourself as ‘Random’, you immediately invalidate you from ever actually being ‘random’. Not to mention, yelling ‘CARROT STICK MOTORCYCLE FART’ is not inherently funny just because YOU SHOEHORNED ‘RANDOM’ INTO THAT ABORTION OF A SENTENCE. God does not love you.

The most vile, despicable, and downright fecking hilarious thing I have EVER done is:- I once wiped my ass with a teabag, and then proceeded to brew it in a cuppa for when my asshole uncle came to visit. I don’t think even Yorkshire Tea tastes that robust.

Person I would most willingly peel the skin from and plunge into a vat of salt:- David Tennant. Mainly because people seem to respect this guy as a credible actor, despite the fact that, even though he’s playing a character with a time machine who runs from hovering toilets, still manages to look over the top. Truth be told, I’d like to torture everyone involved with that craphole show. Especially the writer Russel T. Davies. Oh, you managed to allude to the Doctor looking like Jesus. Again. How fucking original.

A wise man once told me, ‘A person’s worst flaws are usually also their best qualities’. Though I must say, I don’t think many people appreciate high cholesterol and casual racism.

Name:- Peebz
 
Age:- 19
 
Occupation:- Hitler's moustache
 
Nothing pisses me off more than:- Public holidays, Christmas, New Years, Easter and especially Valentines. They're all overrated and I seriously don't understand why people HAVE to go out on New Years Eve. Yes I like to get drunk as much as the next person, but that double taxi fare could be spent on a perfectly good bottle of Malibu or some cans of Carling.
 
The most vile, despicable, and downright fecking hilarious thing I have EVER done is:- arranged to meet a guy with my mates, then stood him up several times in the same day, before finally turning up, accusing him of standing me up and then smacking him right around the face in the middle of town.
 
Person I would most willingly peel the skin from and plunge into a vat of salt:- Jade Goody, and Howard from the Halifax adverts

I basically think I was born to be a whiney cunt, and aim to make everyone feel more miserable than I do. I'm also looking forward to the day that the headlines scream "Jade Goody Dies""

That is all.

Name Andariel Halo
Age 4,044
Occupation Professional Assistant of Proletariat and Bourgouise connectivity and aggregation of civic representation through an online medium. Also student.

Nothing pisses me off more than YOU!

The most vile, despicable, and downright fecking hilarious thing I have EVER done is accidentally shot my best friend in the back of the head with a BB gun. Completely his fault.

Person I would most willingly peel the skin from and plunge into a vat of salt: This asshole. What are you, fucking Che Guevara?

Racial terminology makes me laugh in great way. "Niggers 'n Spics" sounds like a great breakfast cereal. My shining achievement is a personal e-mail from John Lister for my review of his book "Turning the Tables" on the history of ECW. That was probably the most worthwhile thing I'd done ever.

Oh, the reason why it was "completely his fault" that I shot my friend in the head was because his dumb ass loaded up a BB gun one night to hunt down a raccoon in his backyard. He left the gun beside the couch, still loaded. Next day, we're off to go to the movies. He's collecting his CD's from the home theater system. I pick up the gun and play with it, aim it at his head and fire. He suddenly jerks and I'm like "hah, pussy" then he starts going "AAARGH" and I'm like "wtf?" and he's like "you shot me!" and I realized it was loaded. That was great.

One time I was raped. With joy. In broad daylight.

Name Paul Griffiths-Parry
Age 17
Occupation Oh God, STUDENT I suppose. I hate students.

Nothing pisses me off more than not having the ability to turn people inside out with my mind.

The most vile, despicable, and downright fecking hilarious thing I have EVER done is there's too many. I rape, I pillage, I blaspheme. I desecrate graves...occasionally.

Person I would most willingly peel the skin from and plunge into a vat of salt: People, actually. The entire cast of Everybody Loves Raymond. I wish to burn those unlikeable characters in a basin of never-ending hatred and rage. YES I KNOW IT ENDED YEARS AGO


Indigenous to Northwest England, the Paul roams his territory, looking for prey such as wildebeest or children. He enjoys films, games, and the thrill of the hunt. Bright lights hurt his eyes, and he always smells of eucalyptus.