Facebook is a huge fucking tool...

By Kevin Sanders

As much as I’d love to leave it at that, I’ll continue. Facebook is a huge fucking tool that anybody with a computer can use. It’s easy, it’s simple, you can have your own profile in a couple of clicks.

So, basically, what that means is that there’s no SYSTEM. No weaning off, no separating the weak from the chaff, no sivving out the big-ass chunks of turd. ANYBODY can create a profile, from the stupidest hayseed to the most arrogant, pompous upper class cunt. There are no rules, no barriers, no nothing.

And that is just one of the reasons it sucks so bad.

Now let me just clarify here, before I start bukakke-ing the face off of Facebook with a barrage of complaints and insults, that I DO have a Facebook account. But in this day and age, it isn’t out of choice so much as necessity. Seriously, if you don’t have Facebook now, you don’t have any semblance of social planning. EVERYBODY plans EVERYTHING through Facebook. Parties, events, just going for a cup of tea with somebody, all through fucking Facebook. I genuinely wouldn’t know that my friends were planning something unless I spent ten minutes skimming through Facebook. What’s up with that? What happened to the good old fashioned phonecall? Better, what happened to actually MEETING UP WITH PEOPLE AND TALKING? Facebook is the enemy of good conversation. I actually missed a party not long ago, because I didn’t read Facebook. So, there you go. There’s another reason I hate Facebook. It cuts back on my alcohol consumption. Facebook can go suck a dick and two balls.

Facebook is also a massive party pooper. Don’t believe me? Well, how about this. Facebook moulds us into believing that a virtual life of careful planning leads to a GREAT party. Guess who begs to differ. You know, the best nights out I have ever had came from moments where I was sat around with my friends, and we decided that, because we were slightly bored, we’d go get fucked. Impromptu nights out are great. Thinking on one’s feet is a great thing. But Facebook, by it’s very nature, draws away from that, and makes everything about meticulous planning. I have a friend who sent me a message about her birthday FIVE months beforehand. Five. Fucking. Months. Aren’t parties supposed to be spontaneous and fun? This isn’t a party, it’s a fucking Nazi rally. Facebook, then, is comparable to Hitler.

Furthermore, It’s a dumpster for useless people to feel like they belong. Now YOU can join a group! Now YOU can be part of a club! What club? Oh, just some shit about whether smoking should be allowed back in pubs. Well, guess what? I’m pretty sure that if 10000 people join a group declaring that smoking SHOULD be reintroduced to pubs… Gordon Brown will STILL fucking ignore you, you fucking jack-asses. You know why? BECAUSE FACEBOOK DOESN’T COUNT. And NO, I WONT join a group called, ‘If 20’000 People Join This Group I Shall Call My Son Spiderman’. I don’t WANT you to call your son Spiderman, you heartless prick! He’ll get spat on for the rest of his life! Hell, if you don’t believe that Facebook ruins lives, why don’t you go and ask Spiderman, the poor kid. If you can trust anyone…

Not only has Facebook cut down on conversation, making strong friendships less strong, it has also introduced new friendships that NO FUCKER WANTS. See, the problem is, Facebook has made equally useless sites like ‘Friends Reunited’, null and void. It’s much easier to use, and it’s free. Of course, that means that now, anybody can find you. I have people from Primary School that I never spoke to adding me because they recognise my name. And all I can think is, if I made the decision not to talk to you at the age of SIX, what the FUCK makes you think you are worth a second of my time now? And have you considered for a second that there is a reason that I haven’t spoken to you for sixteen bastard years? Is it because you are not interesting? Is it because I consider you a waste of hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen AND carbon? I THINK IT IIIIIS!

And even when you do add people that you think you like, you soon find out that… hey… they are actually a lot more irritating than you ever could have imagined! For example, here’s something I don’t find funny, or cute. When two of their female friends change their statuses to declare that they are married. AHAAAHAAAAHAAA! Aren’t you random? Well, I say random, I mean single, lonely, and sad. Very, very sad. It’s pathetic, it’s ridiculous, in the name of all that is holy, please dear GOD stop it.

So courtesy of Facebook, we are starting to become these middling, substandard, average people that are content to live by our computers, having pseudo-conversations with people we no longer really care for.
Here’s another reason we don’t care about our own friends anymore, thanks to Facebook. And this is the worst of the lot by far. We now know EVERYTHING about them, down to the most erroneous shit. This is because of the magic of STATUSES. Anybody at anytime can, and will, update their statuses.

Now I, for one, do not give a shit if Mary is eating her Sunday dinner. I don’t give a flying fuck if Jane is still a little bit sleepy. And I genuinely mean it when I say that I don’t give A MONKEY’S TOSS if Jimmy IS AT WORK AND BORED! How does your boredom make interesting reading for anybody else if YOU YOURSELF ARE BORED OF IT?! What the fuck is wrong with people!?

Statuses are the spawn of the Devil. I mean, consider it logically. Only the most uninteresting people that are spending their day on Facebook can update their fucking status anyway! Say you were on safari in Africa sitting inches away from a tiger. Say you were on an LSD trip and discovering that the world is a beautiful place filled with colours and love. Say you were tit-fucking Lucy Pinder. Would you, at that moment, choose to update your Facebook status? Fuck no. But, say you are at home, a little bored, slightly tired, and looking forward to watching a TV show tonight, you probably have a LOT of chance to update. BUT YOU AREN’T THE FUCKING INTERESTING ONE. I wanna read about jazzing on Lucy’s tits, I’m getting, ‘Molly can’t wait for Hollyoaks’. God. Almighty.

And how many times a day does your mood change anyway? I think it was Frankie Boyle that stated that he can’t update regularly, because he wakes up annoyed and goes to bed annoyed. If you are having mood-swings so severe that you have to update your status with something new every five minutes, you need to get off the fucking internet and go to a doctor. You are DEFINITELY depressed, or bi-polar or something.

But now, it’s not even just updates that supply us with information that we don’t give two shiny fucks about. Now there are these things called ‘Notes’ going round that are requesting that people write down 25 facts about themselves that nobody knows. Here’s my guess. There’s probably a FUCKING GOOD REASON that nobody knows. You have a small scar on your elbow? Really? I feel fucking enlightened! You like fruit, but not banana? No kidding? That makes you… what… distinctly average! Tell me more, you fucking enigma. God, people suck.

And the bullshit doesn't even end there, not even, thanks to the wonders of APPLICATIONS. Oh yes, applications. When you first start out on Facebook, and somebody invites you to add an application so that you can be a virtual pirate or some shit, you can't even begin to realise the Pandora's Box that you are opening.

From the second you add something like 'Hot or Not', you are getting emails constantly. Most of them confirming that you are not, infact, hot. Which is nice. Not only that, but then the emails rub your nose in your own ugliness. 'Here are some of your friends who ARE hot! Don't ya feel all jealous and shit? Don't ya? DON'T YA!?' Now, I don't know about you guys, but I kinda know when one of my friends is pretty. I don't need some statistical bullshit to tell me that I'm not quite as hot as that girl that cheerleads, or that part-time model. Facebook doesn't just fuck up your friendships. It goes to town on your fucking confidence too.

I get, like, three emails a day from Hot or Not. HOW THE FUCK DO I DELETE THIS SHIT.

Here are some more things I don't want to know.

- Which Harry Potter character I am most like.

- Which friends I am movie compatible with. I don't care if Betty Beaker ALSO gives The Shawshank Redemption 9.5 out of ten. I met her once at a party. Stop telling me this shit, for FUCKS SAKE.

- That, out of my friends, I am considered the 21st best public speaker.

Fuck Facebook. Fuck everything it stands for. Fuck anything that remotely resembles Facebook. Myspace can suck my balls. It's all bullshit designed to help you forget that if you just shut down your computer and stopped focussing on the minutia of your every thought and feeling, there is a whole fucking world out there to discover! Sure, most of it sucks, but hey, at least its REAL.

 

 

More things that have pissed me off this week...

- Piercings. Could somebody please explain to me the fascination with piercing little holes into your body? Just because something is shiny doesn't mean it makes you look pretty. YOU ARE CHOOSING TO GIVE YOURSELF A DEFORMITY. Well done, you pierced your lip! Now it'll look like you have a constant sulk-on, but hey, at least you can stick a biiiig fake blue diamond into it! And furthermore, when is it ever worth the pain? 'Yeah, we are just going to puncture a nice hole through your nipple. It's gonna hurt like a fucking cunt, and in no time at all, you'll have to take off your bra to get through metal detectors, but I'm sure you can think of a valid reason for doing this.' At that point, I think I'd say, '...erm, you know what... I might have had a change of heart.' Same principle with tattoos. You are paying somebody to doodle on your body with needles. How. Fucking. Stupid. And don't give me that, 'but it means something to me' shit. So does your skin. Leave it alone, retard.

-Those stupid dogs in bags. Now, you can store your very own pet right next to your lipgloss! What a fucking existance it must be to be a living accessory. Hell, I'd feel sorry for them if they weren't so fucking girly and pathetic in the first place. If some 'Devil Wears Prada'-esque slut tried to put me in a fucking bag, I'd lunge for her neck. If they aren't helping themselves, why should I give a fuck.

- People who say, 'No offense, but...', or 'don't take this the wrong way'. You know the second they say it that it is going to shatter your world, but IT'S OKAY! THEY HAVE COVERED THEIR BASES! You can't feel bad that they think you are a fucking retard now, because they MEAN NO OFFENSE BY IT! Look, if you know it's gonna hurt someone's feelings, don't say it. Or at least find a more subtle way of approaching the subject. If you just say, 'no offense', you aren't trying to tackle the subject delicately, you are instead very aware that you are hurting somebody, doing it regardless, and THEN placating yourself with, 'well, I did say that I meant no offense!' You fucking bullying asshole. I hope you die. And what the hell does, 'don't take this the wrong way' mean? How else am I supposed to take it, other than the way you said it? If you don't want me to take something in a certain way, FIND ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING IT. I'm not doing your fucking work for you! Put some fucking effort into not being a complete dick.

 

I have been Kevin. You have been annoying.