The Hudson Plane Crash

By Peebz

 

I have just been forced to sit through “Miracle of the Hudson Plane Crash”. That’s right, it’s being hailed as a fucking miracle. I actually saw the blessed hands of God ascend from the clouds and guide the plane to safety. Obviously God favours Americans over Ethiopians* as he allowed those suckers to crash land in the Indian Ocean, do a flip and burn before being condemned to a watery grave. Yeah he really tortured them poor bastards. Fifty of those guys survived that plane crash, it wasn’t hailed as a miracle though was it? Because the Americans are just so much more frickin’ sacred than anyone who lives in a third world country. I could do a rant on Americans, but I don’t think I will. I’ll just ramble on about this pile of shit that Channel 4 deemed to be necessary so as to ‘boost morale’ after the 9/11 disaster, but I’ll get back to that later.

For those of you not in the know, this programme was a documentation of how US Airlines flight 1549 (I did a little research… I googled it) made an emergency landing in the Hudson River, NYC. This would be more interesting to me if it had “attempted an emergency landing” but these guys were successful.
The programme starts from the very beginning of the survivors traumatic journey. It mainly follows a woman, Vicki Barnhardt (told you I did my research..) and some retired mail man dude (..apparently not that well). These two don’t know each other, it’s not important. What is important however, is how, SHOCK HORROR, Vicki who takes this flight regularly is forced to take a seat at the rear of the plane, because it’s fully booked! Equally as important is that Retired Mail Dude is forced to sit in a different row to his son. Just boarding the plane, and already their life sucks!

Give me a fucking break.

Why do I, or anyone else for that matter, give a shit about where the hell they’re sitting?
It did not contribute to the fact that the pilot was forced to make an emergency landing.

You know what? I can’t be arsed to give you a step by step account of what happened in this programme, because it was just so fucking shit. Instead I shall give you my views and opinions.

First of all I shall start by saying, why the fuck do I want to watch a programme about of a bunch of people who fucking SURVIVED!? I feel more sorry for the birds that got swallowed by the engines, poor little fuckers. I know it’s a good thing that these people survived, kind of. Personally mass genocide pleases me (in the same vein as Paul, Hi I’m Peebz and I’ll be the sadistic one), I would rather watch this programme had at least, say, 5 people died. Scratch that, make it 50.

Second of all these planes are built to make fucking emergency landings, yes, even in water. Well done Mr. Pilot Man, you proved they work (my research was obviously extensive). I understand that this is like
“Woah! A plane made a crash landing in water and everyone survived! Those Ethiopians didn’t!”
But what I can’t comprehend is why someone decided to make a 60 minute documentary about it. This should be something that you watch on the news, and that’s it. Anyone who works in the media should know that good news never makes the headlines over bad news, because good news just ain’t as interesting.
What are you more likely to pick up; “Entire Passenger and Crew Survive Plane Wreck” or “Mother’s Distress as All Children Are Found Butchered In Woods.. After Being Raped.”
I know which one I’d go for.

It took 6 minutes for the plane to take off, hit some birds and make the landing. Six minutes. So why the fuck am I being subjected to a painfully stretched out 60 minute detailed account of what happened!?
I DON’T CARE! On another note… why hasn’t anyone thought to build an engine that can withstand a bird being chugged through it? I mean, birds are gonna be up there in the sky, where the planes are, there’s going to be a fatality every once in a while right? Even if it’s not the passengers.. Unfortunately.

Then of course there are these fucktard survivors who are milking what happened for everything it’s worth. If you’re that fucking traumatised, why aren’t you rocking backwards and forwards on a fucking psychiatric ward!? Gah. I hope these people get raped in the eye.

I mean, here they are, on my T.V screen, eyes welling because their son was sat in a chair 14 rows back from them and crying because they’re alive. Why the hell are you crying? You’re fucking ALIVE! Stop being such a pussy and get over it.

“I never thought I’d see my family again wah wah wah.”
I’m sorry, is that you’re husband you’re sat next to? Yeah I thought so, so shut the fuck up you whiney bitch. These people are just out and out fucking morons. I mean this woman, this Vicki bitch, the one who was crying because she thought she’d never see her family again, she deserves a slap around the face, and I’ll tell you why.

There she is sobbing her heart out, but when she was on that plane, after it crashed and was rapidly filling with water, she pulled out her mobile phone, and rang her husband to say goodbye. She stopped, on a sinking plane, so she could phone her husband one last time.

I know what you may be thinking (though I hope to Tony the Tiger** you’re not); “But it might have been her last chance to say goodbye to him” blah blah *puke*.
She never once mentions attempting to contact her husband when she was plummeting towards the ground from 3000 feet in a tin can. Sorry but I think that’s when I’d be making phone calls, because that’s when you’re more likely to fucking DIE! On this sinking plane, yeah you may drown but, fucking hell, the plane has landed, you’re in tact, you’ve been given another chance to fucking escape! So no, I wouldn’t have stood around making phone calls at a time when I should have been rushing towards the nearest emergency exit, you stupid time wasting bitch.

Then of course, these stupid mothers start to recount what it was like to see their pathetic miserable lives pass before their eyes.

“You see everything, you start to re-evaluate what you‘ve done with your life, could I have done this, should I have done that?”
Again I ask, do I fucking care?
No. No I fucking do not.
Why should these cunts be allowed to recount what it felt like “knowing” they were going to die?
Did anyone ask Ted Bundy before they flipped the switch?
I didn’t think so.
Would I give a shit?
Nope.
And I find serial killers fascinating.
I do not find these people mildly interesting in the least, so I really REALLY do not give a crap what was going through their minds. Unless of course it was an engine turbine.

So there, we have established that I do not give a fuck about these people. Nor do I care about the “heroes”. the pilots, the scuba diving teams, the rescue boats etc. These jack asses who have to elaborate everything they did.
“I saw one woman who didn’t look as though she could swim and a ferry was heading straight for her and I thought, ‘If I don’t jump now she’s going to drown’ so I jumped out [the helicopter] without my breathing kit on..”
Well done you. I believe what you did there is what is commonly referred to as “doing your job”. Don’t be so fucking modest about it.
Cunt.

The pilot got given a “key to New York City” as a reward.
Yes because that’s helpful.
He saved 0.001% of the population.. Probably less than that.
But now? Now he owns your ass. That’s right.
You can’t get in or out of NYC unless he says, because he’s got the key to the big fucking pearly gates.

ARGH.

Sanctimonious assholes.

There are clips from people who recorded this incident from apartments on the riverside. One such clip shows the guy zooming in on the cockpit before putting his camera down, his friend then turns to him and says “No no don’t stop recording, you can sell this shit to the papers.”

I like this guy. He has no regard as to the welfare of the passengers, he’s just thinking about the money.
If I knew this guy, he’d be my friend.

So there we have it. A piece of crap documentary about how one pilot saved 150+ lives. It was almost as embarrassing as that shitty article in The Guardian by some journalist who was now “extremely remorseful” about some of the things she had said about Jade Goody in the past. Grow some balls and deal with it bitch, don’t feel remorseful just because she’s dying, it’s not like she’s actually done ANYTHING productive. I hate Jade Goody.

The only thing I can conclude as to the real reason channel 4 aired this, is to contrast against 9/11. Like, how after that disaster, this “miracle” has now evened the balance. Well no it hasn’t. All it’s done is shown channel 4 for the truly pious cunts they are.

* I am not picking on Ethiopians, there really was an aeroplane that crashed into the Indian Ocean in 1996.. Check wikipedia. I did.

** I’m atheist, so I picked the nearest thing to Satan that exists on earth to replace the word God. Good aren’t I? Or should I say Grrrrrrrrreat.