A Fair and Balanced Look At the Tax Day Tea Parties

(A.K.A., That’s It, I’m Moving To England)

A Treatise By James Swift

 

 

I’ve kind of been out of the loop of national interests for the last year or
so, since in the interim, I moved to a locale sans a television set and
developed one of those social lives that people seem to be raving about, so
thusly, “news” takes quite some time before it trickles down to me.

Anyhoo, the guy that lives next door approached me one late evening after work
and absolutely creamed his jeans as he told me about some “tea party” he went
to earlier in the day. I found it rather odd that a guy sporting a camouflaged
NASCAR baseball cap and driving a vehicle adorned with stickers that read
“Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free” would partake of such reserved,
quaint gatherings, let alone enjoy them so thoroughly. As he expounded, it
came to my attention that the “tea party” he spoke of was actually some kind
of protest in the metro Atlanta area, so naturally, I pretended to give a shit
about his polemics whilst I cerebrally mapped out my midnight dinner options.

The next afternoon, during a considerable lull at my place of business, I
decided to fire up the Intraweb and take a gander at the so-called “tea party
gatherings”. As it turns out, these mass demonstrations are the work of
“fiscally responsible citizens” protesting the expenditure habits of the Obama
administration. Loosely translated, that means “But we don’t want a Negro
president! WAH-WAH-WAH!”

I kind of assumed that once the Republicans lost vestige in American
governmental affairs, there mayhap be a transitory moment of placidness in the
American media. After all, nothing really says “Fuck your shit, rich white
assholes” like electing a black man president, and with it, perchance all of
the secondary boils and pimples of conservative culture would kindly shut the
fuck up for the first time this century.

Alas, no such luck. People still think “South Park” is funny despite the fact
that the program has been nonstop Republic. . . I mean, Libertarian ball
sucking for the last six years, retards in North Face Jackets slurping on
Mountain Dew Berry Blast sodas are thumbing through pages of Ayn Rand’s
overrated horseshit while spouting Internet-fed platitudes about the “Reserve
Boards, Man!” and Fox News. . .

. . .oh, Fox News. You inglorious cretins of the highest caliber. As a student
in the field of Journalism (with aspirations in the domain of mass media
publication), I believe I have the capacity to render fair assessment of the
News Corp conglomerate in a manner that most bashers wouldn’t have credence to
do so. Fox News. . . isn’t. They are not news, and as of April 2009, they have
officially relinquished their monikers of “journalistic media”. Right now,
William Randolph Heart is burning in the deepest trench of hell’s furnace
shouting “Holy shit, what an unprofessional asshole that Rupert Murdoch!”

You see, Fox News, despite being blatantly biased (as is CNN, as is MSNBC, as
in EVERY FUCKING THING IN EXISTENCE SO STOP TRYING TO USE THE INVERSE AS A
CONTENTION POINT), have never really crossed that line into
credibility-destroying, medium-murdering publicity stunts, although to be
fair, with such hard-hitting anchors as intern-sponge-fetishist Bill O’Reilly,
the government-is-out-to-get-me Glen Beck and Sean “He’s Sean Hannity” Hannity
on corporate payroll, they’ve come MIGHTY close.

Well, I did my research and as it turns out, guess who the number one banker
for these “Tea Parties” were? As it turns out, the top two contributors to
this “non-biased” grassroots campaign were FreedomWorks and Americans For
Prosperity, two of the largest conservative lobbying agencies in the nation. Hmm.

Make no bones of the sort, what the News Corp assholes did on April 15th was
FAR beyond editorializing AND far beyond sensationalizing. They MANUFACTURED a
news element that would financially strengthen their ideologue benefactors
under the guise of integral coverage, and then rubbed their ball stink on
subtlety by ACTIVELY seeking audience participation that not just bordered,
not just flirted, but was flat out, unequivocal demagoguery. That’s kind of bad.

So, with my interest piqued, I decided to take a gander at some protest
footage and all I can say is God, Jesus, Abraham, Mohammad, Allah, Buddha,
Vishnu, and L. Ron Hubbard help us. Children, undoubtedly coerced and
brainwashed by their parental overlords, gallivanted in floral dresses while
brandishing poster boards that read “Obama equals White Slavery”. Several
protesters carried sings relating the Stimulus package to the Holocaust,
because socialist expenditures that result in free money is TOTALLY like begin
starved to death in tick-infested corrals as your family gets gassed by Right
Wing Extremists. Obama was caricaturized as everything from a criminal
slitting the throat of Uncle Sam from the Kata-Ha-Jime Sleeper Hold position
to a Moslem stereotype performing sex acts on other Persian stereotypes,
despite the fact that Obama is, to the best of my knowledge, kind of not a
Moslem. Like, at all. Protester carried signs, insinuating that they would
show up at subsequent rallies carrying firearms. A few sings promised death
for several prominent Democratic members of congress.

So yeah, this was a TOTALLY non-biased, grass-roots campaign, as apparent by
the above notions.

God, Republicans are crybabies. If you’re a Libertarian, you’re a fucking
crybaby. You cock gobblers had UNABASHED dominion of congress for almost
thirty years, enacting Reaganomics expenditure plans (the result: a 200
billion dollar deficit and Al Qaeda gets CIA training and military aide), cut
the shit out of national funding in the mid 90s (end result: a 300 billion
dollar deficit), squandered a 200 billion SURPLUS from the Clinton
administration and inserted a dildo that instigated a trillion dollar losing
effort in the Mediterranean, allowed corporate capitalists to run
unrestricted, vaunted privatized industrialism (or at least the ones the
financially benefited you while saying “fuck you” to everybody else),
destroyed the housing market because of lax regulation and bequeathed a 153
trillion dollar doubt under the Bush Administration, BUT NO, THAT BLACKIE HAS
BEEN IN OFFICE FOR MONTHS, IT’S ALL HIS FAULT, WAH, WAH, WAH, WAH!

I…I…fuck it man, just fuck it. You kindly U.K. sorts willing to help me find a
loft in the intermediate future?