By Andariel Halo

With a series like this, you need to start from the basics and build up. Otherwise known as "critiquing" or "reviewing" or whatever legitimate journalists call it. What we have is an anime series developed by Japanese for Japanese with Japanese people, in Japan. Except for the girl who's half-Nazi. She's also a fan favorite; just look for Asuka Soryu Langley on any hentai site.

And so the setting of the story is an asteroid hit Antarctica and killed some research people there. I forgot what else, but it turns out Tokyo has become "Tokyo 2: Electric Boogaloo" or something. Or I think it's "New Tokyo 2: New Tokyoer" Point is, it's Japanese and the capital of Japan is Tokyo, the anagram lover's Kyoto.

What the story is that angels are coming to earth in the form of fiendish and hideous monsters and giant robots that try to destroy Tokyo 2: Electric Boogaloo and ONLY Tokyo 2: Electric Boogaloo for some reason. It's later revealed the reason why is because they're holding captive the body of Lilith, who was Adam's first wife before they divorced because she wouldn't cook chicken chow-mein noodles for him, so he speared her in the fucking heart with a spear known as the "Lance of Longinus", which was later removed and used by a Roman legionary with the cognomen Longinus to stab Jesus with. So either this big half-corpse monster with the milk-white skin and purple face and no mouth or nose is either Lilith or Jesus. Japan loves us Christians.

So in comes Shinji Ikari, whose father runs the whole NERV operation which has gigantic robots to fight the angels. There's some backstory that these actually aren't robots, but clones of Lilith held under control of the humans by something. And only little 14 year olds can pilot them. There was some business dealy about AT fields throughout the entire series but if you paid attention to every little bit of bullshit, you'd have several seizures or risk those communists sapping and impurifying all your precious bodily fluids.

There's a bitch named Misato Katsuragi, who drinks beer and drives really fast, and because this is Japan, she is unhappy with her bitchin' life because she's not barefoot and pregnant and cooking dinner for a bigshot businessman.

There's the blonde one whose name I forgot, and she starts off as the boring bitch who lectures everyone, and whom we later discover, due to this being Japan and she being a woman, she is ragingly hormonally hysterically insane and must need her uterus to be removed.

There's also Rei Ayanami, who is also a fanboy favorite; just look her up on hentai sites; because she has all the emotion and personality of Cody Rhodes or some snarky wrestling-related jab at a wrestler particularly poor at the promo skills and psychology.

So because they fixed up a new Eva (the big-ass robots), they need Shinji to pilot it to kill angels. Shinji's father is in command of NERV, and calls him a pussy and a faggot and tells him to leave and go kill himself if he can't pilot the giant fucking robot on the first day when an angel suddenly attacks. In my head, that's what he did, but since this is Japan and they are family, he says it smugly, but without the cursing.

Japan vs United States #1
Japan: Son, if you cannot pilot the Eva, then go home and Rei shall do it for you. And because she is a woman, great shame will be upon you forever, and in order to prevent the shame from striking me, I shall remove you from my family line, for great justice.

United States: Andariel, you lazy fucking cunt, get the fuck off the computer and stop jacking off all day to your wrestling and video games and get a boyfriend! Or a girlfriend! Get out of the house once in a while and make some real friends instead of those creeps you meet online! And you better hope I don't find out you've bought a webcam and are showing your nekkid body off to those freaks online or I'll take that computer away so fast!

I give this point to the United States.

I could go through the entire series, but it's just too boring. I'll just summarize and go through what's good and what's the opposite.

In the beginning, we have Shinji being a whiny brat, but he does get to squeeze Rei's tits, so he mans up a little bit, even though it was an accident. But since this is Japan and she's a woman, she can't press charges or they'll arrest her for teasing him sexually and she'll likely get gangraped by the cops in the prefecture jail.

Once Asuka arrives with a convenient upskirt scene, which due to her being half-Wehrmacht and half-Slant-eyed, she only gets off with ETERNAL SHAME TO HER FAMILY and not being arrested for being a woman who teases the men sexually and likely get gangraped by the cops in the prefecture jail.

The beginning is kind of fun because the kids are all highly hormonal and have some great instances of playing with each other in mild flirtations, highly sexual moments, including lots of staring at hot white redhead jailbait tits (Asuka), and talk of sex and sexual things. But since this is Japan, the girls are expected to be good little honorable housewives-to-be who shall be barefoot and pregnant and cooking chicken chow-mein noodles every day for their honorable husbands before the obligatory foot massage and titjob when they get home from their business job in business.

Asuka is great, man. She reminds me of me, only without the defensiveness. I see myself as half-Rei, half-Asuka, in that I'm all cool and calm in a Duder sort of way, but when people start to acknowledge me, I get all hysterical and hilarity ensues. But since this is Japan, if I were indeed like that I would possibly be gangraped in the gymnasium and then accused of raping the other boys because I'm a woman and blublublublubluh Japan's sexist, fuck the samurai blahdybloo.

The real hilarity starts whenever an angel conveniently drops by every episode or so. They're usually fucking INVINCIBLE to typical artillery fire, machine-gun bullets, cannon-fire, and most LASERS, so it's up to the Evas to confront them and do lots of random stuff. I honestly can't remember an angel fight that didn't consist primarily of a melee fight like a boxing match between giant robots.

Just about every single angel fight can be summarized like this:

1) Situation - Evil angel arrives
Angel is:
a) Humanoid, intends to fight
b) Not humanoid, intends to use lasers, or float around, or do something else
c) Other.

If A, move to point 2)
If B or C, move to point 3)

2) Launch Eva to duke it out
a) Eva successfully fights it and wins
b) Eva gets the shit kicked out of it and must resort to another plan
c) Other.

If A, please stop watching whatever anime this is, remove from disc drive, and find "Neon Genesis Evangelion", because the Evas never beat the angels in fistfights.

If B, move to point 3)
If C, move to point 5)

3) Plot some insanely intricate plan involving one or all Evas, using up most or all of New Tokyo 2: New Tokyoer's power, with a success rate of less than 0.01%, and a guarantee that one or all the Evas will suffer between 50-75% total damage.
a) This works
b) This doesn't work

If A, end scenario in victory
If B, move to point 4)

4) Plot some insanely intricate plan involving one or all Evas, using up most or all of New Tokyo 2: New Tokyoer's power, with a success rate of less than 0.01%, and a guarantee that one or all the Evas will suffer between 50-75% total damage.
a) This works
b) This doesn't work

If A, end scenario in victory
If B, move to point 5)

5) Angel randomly kills itself or dies because it's fallen in love with Shinji (bumlove!)
a) This works

If A, end scenario in victory

That makes up every action sequence in the story, with combined bits of Eva dismemberment, child abuse, Ayanami death/replacement with clone, and statistics and numbers spouted at random, usually involving chances of success, which are always in the range of "0.0000225626%" and always work at some point.

At some point in the middle, the director Hideaki Anno probably lost his health insurance or it no longer covered his "anti-stupid" drugs and antidepressants, because suddenly he becomes an expert on mental illnesses, and decides that ALL the characters here must have major big-time head-hurt mental illnesses that ONLY HE can properly portray.

- Shinji was once a shy, goofy, loveable kid who just wanted his father's approval, and Asuka's pussy.
- Shinji becomes a full-fledged schizophrenic, bipolar emo, who whines and bitches and moans for the affections and approval of everyone else, only to turn around and call them all liars and assholes for giving it to him.

- Asuka began life as the stereotypical bitch girl at school you wanted to fuck but couldn't stand her constant whining and bitching and nagging and complaining, but is kind of cute when she does it.
- Asuka concludes life at 14 as a cold bitch who continues to be angry and shit at school, but becomes catatonic whenever she's alone, and fantasizes about how her mother ate too much shit in a Scheisse video and went insane, and began to treat a doll as if it were Asuka, and ignored the real Asuka, and eventually hanged herself and the doll and Asuka found their bodies hanging to the fan.

- Rei had been a cold, heartless, dull, emotionless bitch, who yet started to warm up to Shinji, and was even taught how to smile by Shinji. Potential sex could have followed.
- Rei became a cold, heartless, dull, emotionless bitch.

- Misato were a wild, large-livin', penguin-owning, independent woman who drank lots of beer, ate lots of chink food, harassed her ex-boyfriend Kaji, and was all-business at work.
- Misato became a shrill, hysterical, stereotypical Japanese evil woman who stalks her ex-boyfriend, calls him constantly wishing to come back together, and listens to the idiot blonde talk about how men and women are a completely different species who will never understand one another and are constantly in a civil cold war with one another at all moments of every day at all times ever.

- Akagi (the blonde) was an ugly-ass, uptight bitch who tried to be nice but everyone knew was a bitch.
- Akagi went completely fucking batshit off-the-wall insane, spouting sexist philosophy about how men and women are so different as to be a completely different species, and can never ever get along or divulge their gender-specific secrets to one another or any of that shit. She also starts to think her dead mother's soul is still alive in the three machines at the center of NERV, called the Magi. And she talks to them as if it were her mother.

So clearly, Hideaki did his research on mental illnesses and their gradual progression. If by "research", you mean listen to lectures on society by an old conservative Japanese businessman with a wife, two daughters, and a sex slave and a tentacle monster pet, eat donuts and cheese and cry over what a fat pathetic bastard he became while google-searching the personality archetypes of Looney Tunes villains, then he did a whole lot of research. Everyone ceases to become remotely interesting characters, and become mere plot devices by which the director can cave your face in with the message that "HUMAN BEINGS ARE SHITTY PIECES OF SHIT WITH SO MANY PROBLEMS WHY EVEN BOTHER LIVING AT ALL SINCE LIFE ITH PAAAAIN?!"

At this point in the series, I blocked out a lot of the bullshit, because it was primarily Jap sexist rhetoric about how men and women are evil creatures who keep secrets from their opposite gender and must therefore be kept separate but equal (niggers!) and only allowed out to love occasionally, then return to a paranoid, dismal life of fear, hatred, ignorance, and Japanesey-ness.

There was also a whole lot more angel battling, including the arrival of an angel who infiltrates NERV as a young boy who has the hots for Shinji, but never gets close enough to scream "FAGGOTRY" but he does sacrifice his life for Shinji rather than fight him as an angel. He tries to teach Shinji a valuable lesson which vaguely consists of the same message held within the statement "Cheer up, chippermonkey, it's not so bad." But since this is Japan, and Shinji is emo, he doesn't listen to any of that shit.

At some point in the series, there is also a revelation involving this Illuminati-type group called SEELE, who apparently own NERV, and plot this "Human Instrumentality Project" to 'force' the next stage of evolution for mankind. But since this is Japan, blublublublubluh.

There's also a revelation that Rei is a clone, and there are hundreds of Rei clones, a-la Alien Resurrection (but no fucked-up Rei whispering "Kill meeee.." because this is before 1997 when the movie came out) and that Rei was genetically engineered off the Ikari DNA.

But none of that fucking matters. What matters is learning how because you are male, you must not treat females as equals, and because you are female, you must treat males as superior, for this is Japan! And the ugly nerd must always gangbang the hot sexy schoolgirl whether she wants it or not, because she always wants it because she is a girl with a miniskirt and thus dishonors her entire family if she does not take his seed and those of his friends on her face!

Speaking of seed on the face, there's a part where Shinji accidentally causes Asuka to be injured, and he goes whiny emo bastard shaking her on her hospital bed trying to make her "wake up" and since she won't wake up and he accidentally tears her gown open to expose her hot white redhead jailbait tits, he decides to masturbate, and cum on her face and tits, and end it all with "I'm so fucked up -sob-"

THAT sir, is ART! Clearly every bukkake and gokkun video ever produced is a fucking masterpiece to rival Van Gogh, Picasso, Da Vinci, MichaelAngelo, Bazooka Joe, and even Family Guy!

Then comes the ending, in which originally, Shinji goes into a surreal sort of place where he is confronted by his demons, overcomes them, and everyone appears around him applauding him actually learning something and becoming a whole person once again.

BUT SINCE THIS IS JAPAN...

Yes, that's right, Hideaki Anno must have tried to overdose himself that day, so the other writers made that last episode, and when Hideaki stumbled back into the office hung over and saw what was done, he squealed "WING WANG CHING CHONG WATASHIRI WAKABI SUSHI SASHIMI WASABI KOBE BRYANT WITIRI KIJU MUSIJAWA KARE KURU KORE WANG WONG BISHI BOUSHO KUME HUME TUMMM!?" which translates to "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!" And so he REMADE the last two episodes in the form of a movie. Or two.

Trying to keep track of the last episodes being in two movies and shit is just a fucking mess, so I'll bypass explaining it and just explain the one I remember most, perhaps merged with the other one, and told to you in snarky, obnoxious, arrogant manner which has become my style for this piece.

Since Hideaki still believes HUMANITY IS TRASH AND NEEDS TO BE DESTROYED, the movie replaces Shinji learning something and everything taking on a super-cool surrealist tone where you wonder if this entire world of the angels and Eva ever even really existed or was a construct of Shinji's mind to run away from his daddy-troubles, with the continuation of the story in which the whole world ends.

First, SEELE decides it's time to unleash the HUMAN INSTRUMENTALITY PROJECT! And because they love humanity so much, they treat us to several gorey, highly tasteless and poorly executed murder scenes in which SEELE men with machine guns and armor murder unarmed and unarmored NERV employees, in such ways as sneaking up behind one, putting an arm around his mouth, and driving a knife all the way through his chest. Or another one in which some SEELE men run past a hallway full of bodies, with an injured woman trying to drag a corpse back, when one of them stops, and a whole group of SEELE just pour hundreds of bullets into the already bleeding woman and kill her.

If that gets your jollies off, go see the movie. Then go and get shot by an assault rifle or eighty. Be sure to tell us how hard you came afterwards, too.

I don't remember what Asuka was doing, but she ends up in her Eva, comes to life, and starts to kill the shit out of SEELE's tanks and battleships and helicopters in an admittedly "BADASSMUTHAFUCKA4000" sequence of machine on machine violence and Righteous Holy Fury.

But that's all rendered shit and moot by Shinji being a whiny emo bastard-bitch. Since this is Japan, Shinji goes all catatonic depressed, and almost gets killed when SEELE finds him, only for Misato to save him and kill them first. But she gets all shot up too, so she sacrifices her life to save him, and send him to his Eva to save the world.

Even after the mother-figure he never had has just sacrificed herself for him, HE STILL STAYS ALL WHINY EMO MOODY BASTARD and whines and bitches all "nobody loves me waaaa I MUSN'T RUN AWAY WAAAAAH" and lets the world end.

You read that right. He lets the world end, because the "Human Instrumentality Project" consists of the hundreds of Rei clones flying around the world, appearing to people, and exploding their bodies into piles of orange goo (not Hulk Hogan's spooge). I wasn't really paying attention, but I think all these orange jizz puddles come together to form one big-ass ULTRA HUMAN in the shape of Rei Ayanami, who is literally too big to live on earth, and all alone.

So even if the entire human race is merged into one person, he/she is dead on arrival. No food large enough to quell its appetite. No source of water large enough to last it for bathing and drinking. No other human to mate with and continue the species, as if there were even space for another half-dozen of those gigantic motherfuckers.

But alas, all is apparently not lost, as Shinji and Asuka are still alive and apparently the only humans left alive.

Then Shinji strangles Asuka to death, and ends the series with "I'm so fucked up -sob-"

And there you have arguably one of the most famous and popular anime series of all time.

In defense of some of the Japs, this new ending did receive Hideaki plenty of death threats from some Jap fans, and I'm pretty sure not all japs are businessmen with pet tentaclemonsters, barefoot and pregnant housewives/slaves, and daughters they sell into slavery for the honor of the family.

Hideaki Anno needs a steady prescription. Perhaps he has one now, as he has been releasing NEW Evangelion movies to "replace" the last ones and the last two episodes of the series. Goddamn, son, just end it.

RANDOM ANIME THOUGHTS~!: I hate all anime. Straight and simple and true. While I may like the drawing style, and collect thousands of pictures of hentai ranging from simple tasteful nudity to raunchy tentacle-on-dog-on-boy-on-girl-on-jellyfish-on-pregnantwoman-on-shemale pictures, these series... no.

If it's not the shitty voice acting, primarily in english (including hundreds of completely unnecessary grunts, groans, and noises, for everything from reactions to realizations, best summed up as "Hunh?" "Nhnuhnn" "Unn!!" "unh.." "Nhghmn!" "SIRHWHR*IWH*WUT*UQWT") then it's the completely nonsensical actions of some of the characters, and just overall SHITTY WRITING and execution of some parts so tasteless and poorly done, it makes me look like a prim Victorian noblewoman.

And almost every anime I've seen (which is about 3-5), there have been endings that are neither "happy" nor "sad" but in the realm of "world destructing, catastrophic manic-depression, characters dying senselessly, people dying en-masse, problems not reaching solutions, everything falling to shit and just when a single ray of hope seems to shine through, it's quashed beneath a gushing torrent of shit and despair so perverse and perserverent as to not even resemble the grim harshness of reality but something more along the lines of what most people would call a hell as bad or worse than the hellfire and brimstone awaiting those who commit evil though in this case it is thrust upon everyone regardless of sin".

That's why I hate anime. Stay tuned for my next anime series retrospect review, on "Big O"! The mystery with an ending so explosive and shocking, even the creators of the series don't know what it is!